


assholes on the internet

by Volo



Series: beta-bitch calamity (My Davekat Fanworks) [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Bad Decisions, Bisexuality, Catfish AU, Comedy of Errors, Coming Out, Dialogue-Only, False Identity, Humanstuck, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Online Romance, Self-Esteem Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, Trans Karkat Vantas, Transphobia, basically just look at the title, both of these characters are fucking idiots and a little bit problematic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-23
Updated: 2018-04-30
Packaged: 2019-04-26 16:04:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14405643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Volo/pseuds/Volo
Summary: GG: im daveGG: hiGG: dave striderGG: also known as turntechGodheadGG: i like spinning out unbelievably sick jams with my turntablesGG: rave about bands no ones ever heard of but meGG: collect weird dead thingsGG: im an amateur photographerGG: i have a number of ironic blogs and profiles up in that dark webGG: i made a horrible mistake when i decided to catfish you using my friend jades profileGG: i genuinely non ironically like you now





	1. Day 1

**Author's Note:**

> it's past 5 AM  
> I have the whole thing pretty much typed out, it's rougly 5700 words right now, but god, I really need to edit that shit  
> Next update hopefully tomorrow but who knows right?

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] –-  
CG: ATTENTION WORTHLESS IDIOT.   
CG: THIS IS YOUR SAVIOR SPEAKING.  
CG: IT IS A WRATHFUL SAVIOR WHO DESPISES YOU MORE THAN YOU COULD HAVE POSSIBLY DARED TO FEAR.  
CG: I HAVE WATCHED YOU POST ON EVERY SINGLE FORUM KNOWN TO MANKIND ABOUT HOW, AND I CANNOT *BELIEVE* YOU WOULD EVEN MAKE ME QUOTE THIS, “titanic aint shit yall i started snoring after five minutes”.  
CG: I HAVE COME TO INFORM YOU THAT YOU ARE NOT ONLY PATHETIC AND DESERVE TO HAVE YOUR EYES GAUGED OUT IN HELL, BUT ALSO THAT YOU ARE WRONG.  
CG: PAY ATTENTION BECAUSE THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME THAT ANYBODY IN YOUR LIFE DOES ANYTHING NICE FOR YOU.  
CG: IN *FACT*, THIS IS, VERY OBVIOUSLY, NOT ME BEING NICE BECAUSE GOD KNOWS YOU DO NOT DESERVE IT, BUT ME RIGHTING A WRONG IN THIS WORLD OF TOO MANY WRONGS.  
TG: ahahaha dude  
TG: who the fuck are you  
CG: HAVE YOU EVEN SEEN TITANIC? THERE IS NOTHING TRIVIAL ABOUT KATE WINSLET’S BEAUTIFUL ACTING.  
CG: AND THE OUTFITS. THEY ARE SO PERIOD-APPROPRIATE.  
CG: I WILL NOT STOP MESSAGING YOU UNTIL YOU UNDERSTAND THAT.  
TG: no please mister cg i love being yelled at more please  
TG: just pick an actually interesting topic   
TG: instead of titanic  
TG: because  
TG: titanic aint shit yall i started snoring after five minutes  
CG: I WILL COME INTO YOUR HOUSE AND STRANGLE YOU WITH YOUR OWN INTESTINES.  
CG: IF I COULD WRITE IN EVEN BIGGER CAPS, I WOULD NOW.  
CG: IF YOU DON’T SHUT YOUR UGLY FUCKING MOUTH, I WILL LITERALLY DOX YOU AND FOLLOW YOU AROUND BOOING UNTIL YOU START SINKING INTO THE FUCKING GROUND IN SHAME.  
CG: *I* *AM* *NOT* *JOKING*.  
TG: man whats up with you  
TG: admit it youre literally 6 years old  
TG: youre probably adorable in real life  
TG: all sitting in front of your pink little pc with your hair in cute little braids  
CG: CHILDREN IN GLASS HOUSES SHOULD NOT BE THROWING STONES, YOU UNGRATEFUL PIECE OF UGLY FURNITURE.  
CG: I AM LITERALLY EIGHTEEN FUCKING YEARS OLD. YOU’RE SIX.  
CG: AND LET THERE BE NO CONFUSION, I AM A MAN.  
TG: youre a baby  
CG: OH MY GOD, HOW OLD ARE YOU THEN? ARE YOU A FUCKING BALD FIFTY-YEAR-OLD LOSER WITH A HORRIBLE ACCOUNTING JOB WHOSE ONLY JOY IN LIFE IT IS TO TRASH TITANIC, EVEN THOUGH THERE IS NOTHING TO TRASH?  
TG: im 18 too  
TG: im talking bout your attitude man  
TG: you must be tiny  
TG: napoleons calling he wants his inferiority complex back  
TG: all desperate from the afterlife like shit i suddenly feel like a normal human being who stole my tiny person complex   
CG: IF SOMEBODY HERE HAS ISSUES, IT IS YOU.  
CG: ADMIT IT, “TURNTECHGODHEAD”.  
CG: INAPPROPRIATE NAME FOR AN INAPPROPRIATE PERSON.  
CG: YOUR FATHER NEVER LOVED YOU.  
TG: man whats your deal  
TG: im way too cool for this circle jerk of assholery  
TG: enjoy getting blocked you dick  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] blocked carcinoGeneticist [CG] –-

 

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] –-  
TG: yo what are you up to  
TG: always leaving me to my boredom youre a real busy woman harley  
GG: hi dave!  
TG: you need to stop me from executing a downright horrible idea  
TG: this shits mad cray yo  
GG: no!! :D :D  
GG: do it!!  
TG: i mean its super cool as everything i do is but  
TG: horrible  
TG: but fucking hilarious as well like im literally rolling on the floor in laughter except i still look like a cool dude  
GG: you know me dave!  
GG: i’m all for crazy ideas!! :D  
TG: you know what  
TG: youre right  
GG: arent i always :D  
GG: what is this idea anyway??  
GG: maybe weve been too forward with the enthusiasm??  
TG: ill tell you afterwards  
TG: tomorrow or the day after   
TG: now i need you to do something huge for me  
TG: almost as huge as my  
TG: intelligence  
GG: haha!! :D  
TG: you need to give me your login credentials for trollian  
TG: itll be epic  
TG: ill explain later  
TG: i wont hit up anybody you know though so itll be all chilled all out  
GG: sure!  
TG: really that’s it?  
TG: man youre fucking incredible  
GG: of course, dave!! i trust you :D  
GG: if you say something’s epic it is!!  
GG: or totally dorky!! :D  
GG: but funny either way!!  
GG: and i don’t even use Trollian anymore  
GG: too many trolls!!   
TG: thanks gg

 

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] –-  
GG: heyyy mister cg  
GG: this is super random haha but  
GG: ive seen you spew your poetic walls of totally intelligent and comprehensive and not at all unhinged or out there ideas all over every forum known to mankind and i just wanted to tell you that i may possibly maybe have a tiny crush on you and your hot raging hate brain  
GG: youre so smart so manly so  
GG: such an axe commercial  
GG: love that  
GG: if theres one thing i love in a guy its  
GG: when hes enthusiastic about things  
GG: and god you are really enthusiastic about things  
GG: youre really out there aggressively enthusiastic  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK?  
CG: ARE YOU A FUCKING TROLL?  
CG: I DON’T FUCKING LET MYSELF BE TROLLED. DO I LOOK LIKE A GODDAMN DUMBASS?   
CG: NO, DON’T ANSWER THAT. I MUST, IF YOU HAVE CHOSEN ME TO BE YOUR STUPID PATHETIC VICTIM.   
CG: GO SOMEWHERE ELSE TO GET OFF ON LEADING SOME PATHETIC SHITSHOW AROUND BY THE NOSE AND MAKING HIM GENUINELY BELIEVE THIS GIRL WOULD JUST COME OUT OF NOWHERE AND DEVELOP ACTUAL FEELINGS FOR SUCH A HOPELESS LIFEFORM.   
CG: I HEAR THERE ARE A LOT OF DESPERATE IDIOTS WITH A MIDLIFE CRISIS OUT THERE WHO ARE WILLING TO GIVE OBSCENE AMOUNTS OF MONEY TO SOME INTERNET GIRLFRIEND THEY’VE NEVER MET.  
GG: noo!  
GG: why do you think that :(  
GG: im just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to talk a little  
GG: maybe flirt a little  
GG: then get their freak on  
GG: the full cybersexies   
GG: ah or not because im a shy woman and i dont know if im ready for that  
CG: FUCK YOU.  
GG: my bodice may be ripped enticingly but my eyes are saying im not ready for this step yet  
GG: i hear real men dont care if its dubcon but i trust you  
GG: you handsome hunk   
CG: YOU LITTLE FUCKING SCAMMER.  
CG: MY RAGE IS SO HUGE RIGHT NOW. IT WILL REACH ACROSS THE COUNTRY OR WHEREVER THE FUCK YOU ARE AND STRANGLE YOUR LAST BREATH OUT OF YOUR UGLY BODY.  
CG: I AM SENDING SUCH POTENT NEGATIVE VIBES YOUR WAY, YOU ANNOYING PIECE OF SHIT, I WILL BE SURPRISED IF YOU ARE EVEN ALIVE TOMORROW. YOUR HOUSE SHOULD CRUMBLE AROUND YOU ANY MOMENT NOW.  
CG: I WILL LITERALLY BLOCK YOU WITHOUT A CARE IN THE WORLD AND THEN I WILL GO HAVE A NICE LONG BATH LIKE A HUMAN BEING WHO HAS HIS LIFE TOGETHER WHILE YOU WHINE AROUND IN YOUR TEAR-STAINED PAJAMAS ALL DAY.  
GG: oh ouch  
GG: just admit you think my profile pic is ugly  
GG: its okay everybody says so  
CG: NO, THAT’S NOT IT. YOU'RE A FUCKING FRAUD.  
GG: :(  
GG: im sorry!! :(  
GG: i was just trying to be nice  
GG: i know i was too forward but i just thought  
GG: idk i guess i get infatuated too quickly all head over heelies  
GG: im a hopeless romantic what can i say twilight really does it for me  
GG: yeah i too hate what a stereotypical girl i am  
GG: im so sorry  
GG: ill leave you alone  
CG: WAIT  
CG: YOU’RE  
CG: NOT LYING?  
GG: no of course not!!!  
GG: but i see now that i was annoying  
GG: ill leave :( :(  
GG: :( :( :( :( :( :( :(   
GG: :(  
GG: :( :(  
CG: NO, WAIT.  
\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] –-  
CG: GODFUCKINGDAMN IT.   
CG: YOU ARE LITERALLY THE SECOND PERSON I’VE PISSED OFF TODAY.  
CG: WELL, I’VE PISSED OFF A WHOLE LOT OF PEOPLE TODAY AND LORD KNOWS THEY DESERVED IT BECAUSE THEY CAN’T SEE ANYTHING BUT THEIR OWN PROSTATES, BUT NOT THIS FUCKING DEEPLY.  
CG: FOR THE RECORD, YOUR PROFILE PICTURE IS *NOT* UGLY.  
CG: OKAY?  
CG: DID YOU REALLY MEAN WHAT YOU SAID?  
CG: ABOUT THE CRUSH?  
CG: THAT CAN’T BE.  
CG: DON’T TELL ME YOU’VE REALLY JUST LEFT LIKE THAT. DON’T BE A FUCKING COWARD. OF COURSE I DIDN’T MEAN WHAT I SAID.


	2. Day 2

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--  
GG: ohhh so i wasnt annoying??  
GG: and im not a troll anymore either huh  
GG: ohhh that makes me so happy you have no idea meth aint got shit on this breaking bad has a new competitor im honestly bout to jump your handsome bones  
GG: of course i wasnt lying about the crush  
GG: i just love the way you talk so manly really loudly attractive very aggressive  
CG: OH  
CG: NO, YOU’RE DELUDED. I CANNOT BELIEVE I AM STILL HERE LISTENING TO THIS CRAZY PERSON. YOUR MADNESS IS RUBBING OFF.  
GG: something else could be rubbing off if youre game my goddamn prince charming  
GG: but fine dont believe me  
GG: but talk to me pls  
GG: i love the way you spit out those rants all over the internet   
GG: other people cant stop their bad moods from bleeding out into their chatlogs but not you no sir   
GG: its happy hour all day every day with you  
GG: what are you up to, handsome  
CG: DO ABSOLUTELY NOT CALL ME THAT.  
GG: its true but fine  
CG: I’M NOT REALLY DOING MUCH, I GUESS.  
CG: I NEVER FUCKING DO MUCH. WHEN WILL YOU FUCKING GET THAT INTO YOUR WASTED BRAIN?  
CG: I WAS WATCHING A “10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU” TRAILER ON YOUTUBE AND THEN I MADE THE ABOMINABLE MISTAKE OF SCROLLING DOWN AND DARING A JOURNEY INTO THE HELL KNOWN AS YOUTUBE COMMENTS.  
CG: THEN, OF COURSE, I JUST HAD TO INFORM THOSE BRAINFUCKED STUPIDS HOW WRONG THEY WERE ABOUT THE MOVIE *AND* THE TRAILER.  
GG: you really do that a lot huh  
GG: arguing on the internet  
CG: IT IS NOT MY FUCKING INTENTION.  
CG: I SIMPLY HAVE TO SIT DOWN AFTER A LONG HARD DAY AT WORK AND LOOK OUT INTO THE ONLINE WORLD WITH INNOCENT EYES AND THE ARGUMENTS THROW THEMSELVES AT ME.  
CG: I HAVE *NEVER* STARTED AN ARGUMENT JUST FOR THE FUN OF IT OR DESPITE NOT BELIEVING IN WHAT I AM SAYING. THIS IS ALL SERIOUS.  
CG: EVERYTHING I TALK ABOUT IS IMPORTANT.  
GG: yeah totally  
GG: i really admire that gets my stomach all butterflied  
GG: you would never insult anyone or be a dick for the funsies of it and of course youd never use the internet as some poor innocent outlet for your frustrations with being a loser or anything  
GG: there are people who do that  
GG: what tools am i right  
CG: THEY ARE THE ONES WHO ABSOLUTELY CANNOT LET OUR ARGUMENTS GO AND COME BACK DAY AND AGAIN TO GET THAT SWEET TASTE OF DEFEAT AGAIN.  
CG: AT LEAST THEY ARE WILLING TO FACE ME.   
CG: JUST BECAUSE THE BLOCK FUNCTION IS FREE DOESN’T MEAN YOU HAVE TO USE IT ON PEOPLE YOU SLIGHTLY DISAGREE WITH, CAN YOU BELIEVE?  
GG: oh wow do people really block you  
GG: you poor poor man  
GG: like who for example  
CG: THEY ARE UNIMPORTANT PEOPLE WITH UNIMPORTANT PROBLEMS.  
CG: I ONLY BLOCK IF PEOPLE GET INSULTING.  
CG: SO I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE WOULD BLOCK ME. IT’S LIKE THESE FUCKERS HAVE NEVER GONE OUT INTO THE REAL ACTUAL HARSH WORLD.  
GG: you know  
GG: this whole arguing with people on the internet thing  
GG: thats hot  
CG: NO.  
GG: i swear im five seconds away from having your baby  
GG: the baby is you because youre a total babe  
CG: FUCK NO.  
GG: youre flustered arent you  
GG: cute  
CG: OH MY FUCKING GOD.  
CG: IS THIS REALLY HOW OUR CONVERSATIONS ARE GOING TO BE FROM NOW ON?  
GG: its called flirting look it up  
GG: i know im a girl but man its 2018 girls can be forward get into that feminist spirit  
GG: and i told you  
GG: i like you hunk  
CG: STOP SAYING THAT.  
GG: no its true  
GG: send me pics?  
CG: YOU DON’T.  
GG: gg and cg  
GG: sitting in a tree  
GG: kissing  
GG: i totally like you  
GG: so how bout those pics  
CG: JUST ADMIT YOU’RE LYING.  
GG: weve gone over this  
CG: NOBODY *LIKES* ME, YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT.  
CG: I KEEP ON TELLING YOU. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON TO BE ATTRACTED TO ME. I DON’T EVEN HAVE ANY FUCKING FRIENDS. FUCK.  
CG: FUCK.  
GG: wow  
CG: WOW.  
CG: THIS IS IT, KIDS. THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE AND IT IS ONE HELL OF A PATHETIC TRUTH THAT NOBODY SHOULD EVER EVEN WANT TO TOUCH ON OR LOOK AT. THIS TRUTH IS CURLED UP IN THE CORNER COUGHING BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING REDEEMABLE ABOUT IT AND IT JUST HAD THE LIFE KICKED OUT OF IT, THANK FUCK.  
CG: PEOPLE IN REAL LIFE POINT AT ME BECAUSE I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING FREAK SHOW. THAT’S THE FUCKING TRUTH. YOU DON’T WANT TO GET INTO THIS SHITHOLE WITH ME. YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY DELUDED.  
CG: I AM LITERALLY THIS CLOSE TO BLOCKING YOU.  
CG: ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT? I WILL.  
GG: wait what  
\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] blocked gardenGnostic [GG] \--  
\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] unblocked gardenGnostic [GG] \--  
CG: NO, YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS.  
CG: PAY FUCKING ATTENTION.  
CG: WRITE THIS DOWN AND HANG IT OVER YOUR BED BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO FUCKING REMEMBER TO FORGET ALL OF YOUR MISGUIDED, UNINFORMED FEELINGS FOR ME. THE TRUTH IS THAT PEOPLE AT MY JOB WASH THEIR HANDS AFTER TALKING TO ME.  
GG: oh shit dude  
CG: AND THAT IS NOT TO EVEN MENTION MY OWN GODFORSAKEN FAMILY. THEY CONTINUE TO FONDLE THEIR ASSHOLES AND BLUBBER ABOUT HOW THEY’LL ALWAYS PRETEND I AM A WOMAN.  
CG: IT IS NOT A HARD FUCKING CONCEPT TO GRASP, BUT I SUPPOSE NOBODY IN THIS GENE POOL BUT ME HAS THE MENTAL CAPACITY. WHERE THOSE GENIUS GENES ARE COMING FROM, I HAVE NO IDEA. I WOULD SAY I AM ADOPTED, BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY, I ONLY HAVE TO LOOK TO PAST KARKAT TO CONFIRM THAT THAT IS NOT TRUE.  
CG: YOU PROBABLY DON’T HAVE ENOUGH BRAIN POWER TO GET IT EITHER. LORD KNOWS YOU HAVEN’T PROVEN TO BE VERY SMART SO FAR WITH EVERYTHING YOU’VE SAID.  
CG: JUST FUCKING BLOCK ME ALREADY. CAN’T YOU TELL I’M TRYING TO GET YOU TO DO IT?  
GG: no  
GG: come on   
CG: I REGULARLY THINK ABOUT KILLING MYSELF.  
\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling gardenGnostic [GG] \--  
GG: oh shit no hey?  
GG: are you serious dude  
GG: hey dude  
GG: shit  
GG: come back  
GG: shit   
GG: well talk about it okay  
GG: dont just say you wanna off yourself and then dance away  
GG: itll all be okay  
GG: come back  
GG: im sorry  
GG: youre not alone okay?  
GG: come back we can talk each other out of our depressive tendencies itll be great  
GG: hey man itll all be okay  
GG: youre not alone


	3. Day 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess it's all fun and games until somebody says they want to kill themselves, huh?

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] \--  
CG: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ON HIS DEATHBED.  
CG: PAST ME IS REALLY SUCH A FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT. WHEN WILL HE BECOME A NORMAL FUCKING HUMAN BEING? NOT BELOW AVERAGE JUST ONCE IN HIS LIFE?  
CG: I CANNOT BELIEVE HE REALLY DID THAT TO YOU.   
CG: WHY HASN’T HELL OPENED UP YET TO SWALLOW ME FOR THAT?  
CG: PAST KARKAT REALLY DESERVES WHATEVER’S COMING FOR HIM.  
CG: EVEN WORSE, HE DIDN’T EVEN HAVE THE GUTS TO DO IT. HE REALLY WAS JUST LIKE EVERY LITTLE EMO KID ON THE INTERNET THAT’S TRYING TO GET ATTENTION. TAKE A PICTURE OF YOUR SLIGHTLY SLIT WRISTS NEXT TIME AND POST IT ON TUMBLR, LOSER.   
CG: HE REALLY HAD A WHOLE BREAKDOWN AND PRETENDED HE’S SUICIDAL LIKE SOME TODDLER. IT’S NOT THAT BAD, OKAY?   
CG: WE CAN ALL RELATE WHEN I SAY I GET HIT OVER MY UGLY HEAD SOMETIMES WITH THIS WISHY-WASHY *FEELING* WHERE THE FUTURE SEEMS LIKE THIS GREAT FUCKING BLACK HOLE AND THERE IS NOTHING REDEEMING ABOUT IT OR ME AS A PERSON AND I SHOULDN’T WASTE UP EVERYBODY’S TIME BY TALKING AND IT WOULD BE FOR THE BETTER IF STUPID KARKAT WASN’T ALWAYS FUCKING AROUND. THAT IS A NORMAL FEELING.  
CG: I DON’T *REALLY* WANT TO KILL MYSELF.  
CG: WHAT DO YOU EVEN HAVE TO BE SORRY FOR?  
GG: oh god youre alive  
GG: gave me a real spooky scare there buddy  
GG: i mean baby  
GG: no wait no  
GG: so  
GG: real talk because theres nothing icier than cool dudes who know when to get real as fuck  
GG: by which i mean cool kids  
GG: are you okay  
CG: DID YOU NOT READ A WORD OF WHAT I WROTE? I GUESS I WON’T PUT IN THE EFFORT NEXT TIME THEN. I’LL GO YOUR ROUTE AND WRITE “DOPE.”.   
CG: I SAID I AM INCREDIBLY FANTASTIC. WHICH IS TRUE. I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE FANTASTIC.   
GG: did you  
GG: to me it sounds like were in the grand sahara of depression its all we fucking see miles wide  
CG: DO YOU?  
CG: SO DID YOU MEAN WHAT YOU SAID?  
CG: ABOUT YOUR “DEPRESSIVE TENDENCIES”?  
GG: oh nah nope i didnt mean it like that  
GG: im all dope over here  
GG: this shits so upbeat its like if santa clause and spongebob had a lovechild   
GG: santa carried it hes not fat okay  
CG: THAT, GG, IS A FUCKING INSULT. AND YOU KNOW IT.   
CG: DO YOU BELIEVE I AM SUFFERING FROM A SERIOUS HEAD INJURY?  
CG: OR DO YOU JUST THINK THAT I AM A FUCKING FOOL? THAT I DO NOT THINK WHILE I AM TALKING TO SOMEBODY BECAUSE TALKING AND THINKING IS ALREADY TOO MUCH FOR MY TENNIS BALL BRAIN?  
CG: THAT WAS NOT A RHETORICAL QUESTION.  
GG: its not  
GG: like that  
GG: i just wanted to say youre not alone dude  
CG: BECAUSE YOU ALSO SOMETIMES WANT TO  
CG: YOU KNOW.  
GG: oh wow this conversation is so far from where we started were really out here up on mars by now huh  
GG: im a cool dude okay  
GG: a cool kid i mean  
GG: can you believe how the patriarchy has planted their flag on the term cool dude  
CG: YOU WILL HAVE TO, JUST FOR A SECOND, PAUSE THIS HABIT OF RAMBLING ON ABOUT SOMETHING THAT IS SO FAR FROM THE ORIGINAL POINT IT MIGHT AS WELL BE UP MY ASS. WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING, GG.   
CG: YOU WERE GIVEN COGNITIVE SKILLS FOR A REASON. USE THEM TO FOCUS, FOR FUCK’S SAKE.  
GG: got it stay away from your ass  
CG: GG.  
CG: I CAN TELL, YOU KNOW.  
CG: THAT YOU ARE HURTING. BEHIND YOUR RAMBLING DEFLECTIONS.   
GG: oh shit man you can tell watch out everybody cg is a seer   
GG: i trust his word  
GG: he knows what hes talking about  
GG: we have after all exchanged a grand total of 2000 words  
GG: okay so   
GG: maybe sometimes im chill but not as chill as i could be but   
GG: not like actually  
GG: i dont float around like woe is me man  
GG: im so cool im frosty  
GG: but yeah i meant what i said when i said youre not alone in feeling like that  
GG: jesus we really should just block each other and move on  
CG: I THOUGHT NOBODY COULD UNDERSTAND.  
CG: YOU UNDERSTAND.  
GG: where are your beautiful long walls of text youre giving me the creepies   
GG: or you would if i wasnt a chilled out bro  
GG: by which i mean sis  
GG: anyway this is all about you spotlights on the shouty one cant let ourselves be distracted by flighty horseshit   
GG: have you ever considered like  
GG: therapy  
GG: get that shit all out bro nice and warm  
CG: PLEASE, LOOK AT ME.  
CG: THERAPY WON’T WORK FOR ME.   
CG: I CAN’T SHARE SOMETHING LIKE THAT WITH A STRANGER. WHY DON’T I JUST RUN OFF ONTO THE STREET, GRAB THE NEAREST INNOCENT BYSTANDER AND TELL HIM MY WHOLE SOB STORY?   
CG: THAT HAS THE SAME VALUE.  
GG: yeah no youre a closed book especially with ppl you dont know well  
CG: EXACTLY.  
CG: I REFUSE TO WHINE TO SOME DUDE LIKE WE’RE FUCKING BFFS AND LISTEN TO HIM EXPLAIN MY FAILURE OF A LIFE TO ME LIKE THERE’S ACTUALLY ANY HOPE.  
CG: I DO NOT CARE FOR *PRETEND* AFFECTION.  
CG: I AM NOT A DIVORCEE.   
CG: I MIGHT AS WELL GET MYSELF A NICE FUCKING NIGHT WITH A HOOKER.  
GG: yeah see heres the thing  
GG: i was being ironic  
CG: FUCK YOU AND ANY OFFSPRING YOU MAY OR MAY NOT PRODUCE.  
GG: either way therapys good great the bees knees  
GG: you should try it  
CG: ARE YOU IN THERAPY?  
GG: no but  
GG: its good  
GG: for you  
CG: DON’T BE A FUCKING HYPOCRITE, GG. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE BLUBBERING ON ABOUT. AS IS OFTEN THE CASE WITH YOU, I SUSPECT.  
CG: YOU CAN’T EVEN ADMIT YOUR PROBLEMS TO YOURSELF. AREN’T YOU FUCKING EMBARRASSED BY YOUR HYPOCRISY?   
CG: AND NOBODY CAN HELP ME. WE’VE ALREADY ESTABLISHED THAT. ABOUT 500 WORDS AGO. I’LL HELPFULLY POINT OUT THE LINES IF YOU NEED ME TO.   
CG: THIS IS OLD HISTORY.  
GG: oh wow  
GG: this is one hell of a conundrum isnt it  
GG: lets make a deal  
GG: a dealio  
GG: okay  
CG: WHAT IS THIS DEAL YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT?  
CG: I DON’T MAKE DEALS WITHOUT KNOWING WHAT I’M AGREEING TO LIKE SOME NAÏVE TODDLER.  
GG: of course youre a smart business dude  
GG: what are the latest numbers look at this graph it goes up  
GG: thats because cg aint a fucking fool hes carrying the entire company the rest of us are goddamn idiots  
GG: if you call a therapist  
GG: i call a therapist  
CG: OH  
CG: WILL YOU ACTUALLY TALK ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS OR JUST CALL SOME DUDE’S OFFICE AND TALK ABOUT THE WEATHER FOR TEN SECONDS BEFORE HANGING THE FUCK UP AGAIN?  
CG: I KNOW YOU BY NOW.  
GG: oh wow what kind of charlatan do you take me for  
GG: those are some wacky hijinks youre describing  
CG: THEY SURE ARE.  
CG: YOU HAVE TO PROMISE.  
CG: NO TRICKS OR ANYTHING. I WILL FUCKING KNOW. AND I WILL COME INTO YOUR HOUSE AND STEAL ALL OF YOUR FURNITURE IF YOU TRICK ME.  
CG: I AM SO FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW. AND IF YOU DO NOT FEEL THREATENED, THAT IS ON YOU.  
GG: not my cheap ass couch please god no  
GG: yeah sure  
GG: im literally so serious  
GG: im putting on my suit and tie as were speaking  
GG: youd better be dressed appropriately as well  
GG: if youre not even wearing pants while loading your shit onto randos on the internet i will sue  
CG: FINE. I AGREE TO YOUR STUPID DEAL.  
CG: BUT GOD HELP YOU IF YOU DO NOT KEEP UP YOUR END OF THE BARGAIN.  
CG: EXCEPT NOT EVEN GOD WILL BE ABLE TO HELP YOU.  
CG: THERE WILL BE CONSEQUENCES, MISS “GARDENGNOSTIC”.  
GG: great  
GG: alright  
GG: well who would have thought wed end up here  
CG: YEAH. HA.  
GG: actually hey you know what  
GG: while were in on this flow  
GG: lets have a symbolic new beginning  
GG: im red now  
GG: the color of hotness  
GG: no wait  
GG: general hotness not hotness directed specifically at you  
CG: SHITTY METAPHOR, BUT I CAN ACCEPT IT.  
CG: I BET YOUR CRUSH HAS DISAPPEARED BY NOW, HUH? IF YOU ARE AT ALL CAPABLE OF RATIONAL THOUGHT.  
GG: oh yeah that  
GG: haha  
GG: hey gotta go bye  
GG: dont forget to aquire that professional help like a pro  
GG: ill literally check if you did tomorrow  
GG: im in on this mission and if a strider says that he means it  
GG: and she  
CG: BUT YOU TOO.   
CG: CONSEQUENCES. I MEAN IT.  
\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--


	4. Day 4

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--  
GG: so did you do it  
GG: the full sex  
GG: your brand spanking new therapist  
GG: not sure if spankings a good therapy method or whatev but hey gotta trust a professional  
CG: I AM GOING TO IGNORE MOST OF WHAT YOU JUST SAID.  
CG: THE MORE IMPORTANT QUESTION IS: DID *YOU* DO IT?  
GG: but did you  
CG: YOU DIDN’T, DID YOU?  
GG: you didnt did you  
CG: GOD FUCK.  
CG: YOU BROKE THE “DEALIO”.  
CG: DESPITE ME TELLING YOU THAT THERE WOULD BE CONSEQUENCES.   
CG: IF I WANTED TO BE IGNORED, I WOULD HAVE GONE BACK TO HIGH SCHOOL. I DON’T TALK JUST FOR FUN, YOU KNOW. I AM NOT HERE TO SIMPLY ENTERTAIN MYSELF. THE THINGS I SAY SHOULD BE LISTENED TO.  
CG: AND NOBODY EVER DOES AND THEN THEY’RE SURPRISED WHEN EVERYTHING FLIES OFF THE SHITDICKING HANDLE WITH A PARTICULARLY BEAUTIFUL BACKFLIP.  
CG: THIS TRULY IS THE STORY OF MY LIFE.   
GG: yeah okay im fucking sorry  
GG: guess life wrecks the best plans sometimes bro this shits straight up socrates  
GG: but did you  
GG: you didnt did you  
CG: NO. BUT I WILL IF YOU DO.  
CG: AS WAS AGREED UPON YESTERDAY. SO I HOPE YOU’RE STARTING TO FEEL THAT BONE DEEP REGRET SINK INTO YOU. I WILL LITERALLY TAKE A BUS TO YOUR HOUSE AND FLOOD IT.  
CG: FUCK YOU.  
CG: DO IT RIGHT FUCKING NOW AND I WILL SPARE YOU FROM MY RANT.  
CG: ACTUALLY, NO, I WILL NOT. YOU DO NOT FUCKING DESERVE THAT.  
GG: actually though it was the other way round with our dealio we said youd do it first   
GG: why didnt you though  
CG: EXACTLY.  
CG: WHAT HAPPENED?  
GG: dude what happened  
CG: FUCKING CIRCLES, GG.  
CG: WE CAN GO IN FUCKING CIRCLES LIKE THIS FOR AN ETERNITY.  
CG: AND I AM A BIG FAN OF CIRCLE JERKS.   
GG: break those circles cg  
GG: make it happen  
GG: do it man  
CG: I AM SO LOOKING FORWARD TO BOTH OF US BEING FIFTY YEARS OLD AND STILL SITTING AROUND IN OUR UNDERWEAR ARGUING ABOUT THIS IN FRONT OF OUR BY THEN REALLY OUTDATED COMPUTERS.  
CG: SINCE NEITHER OF US APPEAR TO HAVE ANY ACTUAL HOBBIES.  
CG: JUST YOU AND ME AND OUR LOSER LIVES.  
GG: true that  
GG: so why didnt you do it though  
CG: FINE, I DID DO IT.  
GG: hell yes bro  
CG: YOU HAVE A LOT TO FUCKING ANSWER FOR.   
CG: AND THERE IS NO ANSWER THAT COULD POSSIBLY STOP ME FROM BREAKING INTO YOUR APARTMENT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND UPLOADING A VIRUS ONTO EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR DEVICES.  
CG: ALL OF THOSE QUESTIONS I ASKED YESTERDAY ABOUT YOU UNDERESTIMATING MY VAST INTELLIGENCE STILL APPLY.  
CG: YOU JUST LIED TO MY FACE YESTERDAY. I FUCKING KNEW IT.  
CG: I WILL NOT BE LEAD AROUND BY THE NOSE. WHY AM I EVEN STILL TALKING TO YOU?  
CG: WE SEEM TO BE FLYING AROUND THE FUCK-WITH-KARKAT PLANET WHEN WE SHOULD BE TURNING THIS SPACE SHIP THE FUCK AROUND AND LANDING IT ON EARTH SO WE CAN FINALLY EMPTY OUT ALL OF OUR SHIT WITHOUT POLLUTING SPACE.  
GG: no no chill okay  
GG: its like this right  
GG: if a meteor came barreling down and the president was like yo what size is it  
GG: is it as big as my dick  
GG: and then theyre like yes sir  
GG: its literally as big as your dick  
GG: and the prez is like shit bros we have to evacuate the earth  
GG: and then it crashes down and its literally this banana sized thing and nothing happens cause its in the middle of the ocean anyway and the oceans pretty big  
GG: but theyre all on the moon now   
CG: AM I HAVING A STROKE OR ARE YOU HAVING A STROKE?  
CG: LISTEN. I AM WELL ACQUAINTED WITH REALLY FUCKING STUPID STORIES.  
CG: THEY COME FROM BOTH EVERY CORNER OF POP CULTURE AND ALSO MY OWN FUCKING SELF.  
CG: BUT THAT RIGHT THERE MADE ALL OF ITS CONTESTANTS LOOK LIKE STEPHEN KING WROTE THEM.  
CG: IT WENT INTO THE BIRTHDAY PARTY AND JUST STOLE THAT CAKE OFF THE TABLE AND NOBODY COULD STOP IT. CHILDREN ARE CRYING.  
GG: the thing is  
GG: yeah i dont really need a therapist  
CG: I SEE.  
CG: AND I ALSO SEE THAT YOU ARE BRAINDEAD. FUCK YOU.  
CG: DID YOU JUST DECIDE YESTERDAY TO TAKE THE BUS TO DUMB CITY OR HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THIS?  
CG: DON’T ANSWER.  
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT?  
CG: YOU ARE SO FULL OF BULLSHIT. TO THE SHITFUCKING BRIM. AND STILL A HYPOCRITE. YOU JUST DON’T WANT TO FACE YOUR ISSUES.  
CG: AND I AM NOT SAYING THAT IN AN INSULTING WAY.   
CG: WELL, ACTUALLY, I *AM* SAYING THAT IN AN INSULTING WAY. ALONG WITH EVERYTHING ELSE. THIS ENTIRE CONVERSATION SHOULD BE READ AS ME INSULTING YOU UNTIL YOU’RE SKINNED TO THE FUCKING BONE.  
CG: TALK TO A PROFESSIONAL, YOU ASSHOLE.   
CG: MY PATIENCE IS ALWAYS SECONDS AWAY FROM SNAPPING AND HITTING ME IN THE FACE, BUT NOBODY’S EVER RUN OVER IT AND LEFT IT DEAD IN THE STREET LIKE YOU BEFORE.  
GG: grand words from a guy who yesterday told me therapy wouldnt do it for him  
GG: cant get off to that  
CG: BUT I DID CALL SOME GUY’S OFFICE YESTERDAY. HE EVEN HAS A PHD. AND CONTRARY TO THE TREND THAT HAS PLAGUED MY ENTIRE LIFE, IT WENT WELL.   
CG: AND WE HAD A DEAL, OKAY?  
CG: SO LISTEN.  
CG: PAY FUCKING ATTENTION.  
CG: I WOULD NOT BE SAYING THIS IF I THOUGHT YOU’D BEEN BULLSHITTING ME THIS ENTIRE TIME. BUT I KNOW YOU’RE NOT BECAUSE I ALSO KNOW THAT YOU DO WANT TO GET A THERAPIST, YOU ASSHOLE. YOU’RE JUST A COWARD UNDER A SHITLOAD OF DENIAL. AND I WILL DRAG YOU OUT OF THAT SHITLOAD, WHETHER YOU’RE KICKING AND SCREAMING AND SENDING SHIT FLYING EVERYWHERE OR NOT.  
CG: SO FUCKING LISTEN.  
CG: YOU PROBABLY NEVER HEAR THIS BECAUSE IT HAS NEVER BEEN TRUE BEFORE, BUT  
CG: WHAT YOU SAID TO ME WAS IMPORTANT.  
CG: THE BIT ABOUT NOT BEING ALONE.  
CG: AND I WILL NOT LEAVE YOU ALONE WITH YOUR PROBLEMS EITHER. I AM THE PIMPLE ON YOUR ASS. YOU CANNOT GET RID OF ME.  
CG: YOU’RE NOT ALONE.  
CG: FUCK YOU.  
GG: man what do you want from me what else can i say when theres this kid whos telling me he wants to die the whole time ive just been busting my ass trying to help you  
CG: GG, I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO YOU TELLING ME ALL ABOUT YOUR NEW THERAPY APPOINTMENT TOMORROW.  
GG: its literally been three days since i said that and now youre all reformed and drinking organic tea and doing yoga and posting lifeaffirming messages on facebook  
GG: get real  
GG: you dont know anything about me  
GG: you dont know shit okay  
GG: my sister whos perpetually cracked up on pop literature about psychology would say youre projecting  
GG: i have a dope chilled ass life goddamn the fly levels are off the charts  
GG: and ive always had it my whole life  
GG: peachy in fact  
GG: theyre from italy  
GG: thats how good those peaches are   
GG: anyway people have play fights with their guardians or whatever all the time so im fucking chilled out to the max  
GG: okay theres nothing to talk about id just waltz into that office place my sculpted body on that couch and be like yo so im literally the coolest dude youll ever meet would you like me to give you advice on how to be so icy itll drip onto your shirt and then hes like hell yeah bro cause i cant afford diamonds but it says here that you peaced out into a coma for three years guess youre just too spicy for this world and then your dope ass brother was infuckingcarcerated and id be like i dont know her  
GG: mariah carey   
CG: OH, GG.  
GG: you dont like mariah carey?  
CG: CAN YOU PLEASE JUST FUCKING DO IT?  
CG: JUST HAVE ONE FIRST CONVERSATION AND IF NOTHING COMES OFF IT, I WILL VERY GRACIOUSLY STOP PESTERING YOU ABOUT IT.  
CG: THIS IS A BETTER DEAL THAN THE ONE WE MADE YESTERDAY, BY THE WAY, YOU FUCKING DEALBREAKER. FUCK YOU.  
GG: okay fine  
CG: FOR FUCKING REAL.  
GG: for fucking real  
GG: but then youll have to get off my ass  
GG: i know its hard okay  
GG: that plush rump  
GG: no fuck wait nevermind thats not where were going  
GG: anyway im hot  
CG: IT’S A DEAL.  
CG: I HAVE A TEAM OF LAWYERS WAITING TO TAKE YOU FOR ALL THAT YOU’VE GOT IF YOU BREAK THIS SHIT AGAIN. THEY’VE GONE OVER THE WHOLE THING A COUPLE OF TIMES AND IT IS SOLID.   
CG: FUCKING SIGN YOUR NAME HERE.  
CG: OH SHIT, WHAT’S YOUR NAME?  
GG: oh shit  
CG: I’M KARKAT.  
GG: hi karkat  
GG: im rose  
GG: fuck  
GG: yeah hi  
GG: hi im rose and i guess its getting cuddly up in this bitch cause youre all up and acquainted with my biography now  
GG: ive gotta go though bye bro  
\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--


	5. Day 5

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] unblocked carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--  
TG: hey man  
TG: so remember me  
TG: titanic guy  
TG: i was being real about that by the way titanic genuinely pulled me into the dream world its just shitass long you know  
CG: OH, NOT THIS SHITHEAD AGAIN. DO NOT EVEN START.  
TG: no forget titanic okay  
CG: I HAVE NO TIME FOR BRAINDEAD IDIOTS WHO WOULD NOT RECOGNIZE GREATNESS IF IT KICKED THEM IN THE STOMACH. YOU WERE PROBABLY JUST ASHAMED FOR CRYING AT THE END, EVEN THOUGH THAT IS THE ONLY SENSIBLE COURSE OF ACTION AND YOU WOULD BE A PSYCHOPATH OTHERWISE.  
CG: I DON’T DO POINTLESS ARGUMENTS ON THE INTERNET ANYMORE.   
CG: SURPRISED BECAUSE YOUR TROLLING’S NOT WORKING? KEEP ON CRYING.   
CG: I HAVE A LIFE NOW.  
CG: GET A LIFE TOO, DICKHEAD.  
\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] blocked turntechGodhead [TG] \--


	6. Day 6

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] \--  
CG: DO NOT FOR ONE SECOND BELIEVE THAT I CAN’T HEAR YOUR SILENCE.  
CG: THIS SILENCE RINGS LOUDER THAN ANY WORDS YOU HAVE EVER SPOKEN AND IT IS SOMEWHAT LESS RAMBLING AS WELL.  
CG: ANSWER ALREADY. I HAVE THINGS TO DO, YOU KNOW. I HAVE A WHOLE LIFE WAITING FOR ME AND HERE I AM ASKING SOME GIRL ON THE INTERNET IF SHE HAS A THERAPIST YET.  
CG: DO YOU EVER WONDER WHY THAT IS?  
CG: OR DO YOU JUST NOT?  
CG: I WOULD NOT BE SURPRISED.  
CG: I LIKE TO DO THINGS, YOU KNOW.   
CG: I COULD BE SITTING ON MY BED READING NICHOLAS SPARKS RIGHT NOW.  
CG: I COULD BE PROGRAMMING A SHITTY VIRUS.   
CG: NOT BECAUSE I AM TOO BAD TO MAKE ANYTHING ELSE. THAT IS A LIE. BUT BECAUSE THE INTERNET WAS MADE SOLELY SO WE COULD SPREAD SHITTY VIRUSES.  
CG: I COULD BE MAKING FOOD RIGHT NOW. IN FACT, MY STOMACH JUST DECIDED TO IGNORE ALL RULES OF GOOD SOCIAL CULTURE AND LET OUT ONE HELL OF A GROWL.  
CG: INSTEAD, I AM HERE.  
CG: AND YOU ARE NOT.  
CG: AND THAT IS OBVIOUSLY BECAUSE YOU DID NOT DO IT.   
CG: AND YOU DO NOT WANT TO TELL ME. IS THAT BECAUSE YOU ARE WORRIED THAT I’LL BE WORRIED?   
CG: FUCK YOU.  
CG: OR DID YOU DO IT?  
GG: yeah jobs done  
GG: hes swimming with the fishes now  
CG: WHAT?  
CG: GODDAMN IT, ROSE.   
GG: ha yeah  
GG: so heres the full frontal deal  
GG: went in was my usual chillaxed self spit some dope verses now im all loaded with therapy appointments cause dude cant get enough of my fatass rhymes  
GG: shits like  
GG: i have ten therapists just chilling on my dick   
GG: im rolling in positive thinking now the same way i have been rolling in money and bitches   
GG: freuds all up in this bitch telling me how to stop wanting to fuck my mom  
GG: step one go back to your childhood and stop sucking your thumbs so much  
GG: failed step one youre screwed now  
CG: SO WHAT I AM GETTING FROM THIS IS THAT YOU WENT TO AN APPOINTMENT AND THEN DECIDED TO CONTINUE.  
GG: did the ten therapists on my dick not express that clearly enough  
CG: THAT IS  
CG: UNEXPECTED. I HAD THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE TOO MUCH OF A COWARD AND WE WOULD HAVE TO DO THE WHOLE SPIEL A-FUCKING-GAIN.  
CG: I WAS GEARING UP TO SCREAM AT YOU. I HAD A WHOLE SPEECH PLANNED OUT. THERE WERE A LOT OF METAPHORS INVOLVING FECAL MATTER AND TRANSPORTATION DEVICES AND COUCHES.  
CG: I’M HAPPY FOR YOU.  
GG: godfuck youre really into this whole new positive karkat thing arent you  
GG: youre really out here talking openly about feelings huh  
GG: who are you even  
GG: this isnt what i signed up for  
CG: THE REAL QUESTION IS  
CG: WHY THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN FUCKING IGNORING ME ALL DAY?  
CG: I HAVE OUTLINED WHY THAT WAS SHITTY. SEE ABOVE.  
CG: I CAN GET BEING BUSY EVERY NOW AND FUCKING THEN INTO MY BRAIN, BUT NOT WHILE SOMETHING THIS FUCKING IMPORTANT IS HANGING IN THE AIR LIKE A CAT STUCK ON A TREE BECAUSE IT’S TOO DUMB TO PLAN AHEAD.  
GG: okay but look im a real busy woman, bro  
GG: just couldnt tear myself away from all the dudes who were throwing themselves at my feet like notice me senpai  
GG: all of houston is just trying to suck my toes  
GG: actually hey  
GG: you know what  
GG: ill probably be out for a while  
GG: on holiday for a couple of weeks or months or so  
GG: cause business is all up in this bitch and every now and then comes the time for some brolaxation   
GG: so catch me in the bahamas or dont catch me at all   
GG: so yeah i wont write for a while   
CG: OH, I SEE.  
CG: I SEE.  
CG: LISTEN. THERE IS NO REASON TO BE ASHAMED.  
CG: WHEN I WAS IN FIFTH GRADE, THERE WAS THIS GIRL I HAD BAD ENOUGH TASTE TO LIKE.   
CG: SHE SLOBBERED HER SPIT ALL OVER EVERYTHING. SHE LICKED INTO THE INSIDE OF MY EAR DAILY. IN RETROSPECT, WORST CRUSH EVER. WHAT WAS I THINKING?  
CG: I HAD THE GRANDIOSE IDEA OF WRITING HER AN ANONYMOUS NOTE, ASKING HER IF SHE LIKED ME.   
CG: PAST ME HAS ALWAYS BEEN A FUCKING FOOL.  
CG: SHE WROTE SOME BULLSHIT ON THE NOTE, BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT OF THE STORY. THE POINT IS THAT SHE OF FUCKING COURSE KNEW THE NOTE WAS FROM ME.  
GG: hey listen  
CG: NO, WAIT, THAT’S NOT THE POINT EITHER.  
CG: NO, YOU LISTEN. THIS IS AN IMPORTANT STORY. I DO NOT GO AROUND TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT MY CHILDHOOD CRUSHES FOR FUN.  
CG: THE POINT IS THAT A COUPLE OF MINUTES BEFORE SHE READ THE NOTE, MY VERY OWN EYES HAD THE MISFORTUNE OF SEEING HER GRUBBY FINGERS PICK A FUCKING WORM OFF THE GROUND AND PUTTING IT INTO HER MOUTH AND *SUCKING* ON IT.  
GG: are you telling me about your first sexual experience right now  
CG: FUCK YOU.  
CG: IT WAS LIKE SOMEBODY HAD DROPPED THE LIGHTBULB OF ENLIGHTENMENT ON ME. NO WAY COULD I LIKE THIS GIRL.  
CG: SHE CAME TO TALK TO ME LATER AND I DIDN’T HEAR A FUCKING SOUND HER MOUTH WAS MAKING BECAUSE MY BRAIN WAS STUCK ON THE HORROR CHANNEL. JUST REPLAYING THAT SCENE OVER AND OVER AGAIN LIKE A BROKEN RECORD IN SOME PARTICULARLY PERVERTED OLD GRANNY’S HOUSE.  
CG: SHE MAY HAVE MADE A HORRIBLE DECISION AND TOLD ME SHE RECIPROCATED, BUT I DO NOT FOR MY PATHETIC LIFE REMEMBER. PROBABLY NOT.  
CG: I TOLD HER SHE WAS GROSS, PUSHED HER, AND RAN AWAY.  
GG: you were a nice kid huh  
CG: DO YOU SEE WHAT I AM SAYING?  
GG: yeah totally  
GG: youre saying  
GG: worms are gross  
CG: YOU’RE BEING DELIBERATELY OBTUSE.  
GG: yeah  
GG: look man can we just not  
GG: is not canning in your arsenal  
CG: I DO NOT UNDERSTAND YOUR REFUSAL TO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION.  
CG: I TOLD YOU. THERE IS NO SHAME IN REALIZING YOU DON’T LIKE SOMEBODY AFTER TELLING THEM YOU DO.  
CG: IT IS COMPLETELY UNDERSTANDABLE. ESPECIALLY IN THIS CASE.  
GG: this thing youre doing where you pretend youre undesirable is getting tired though  
CG: I AM SIMPLY CAPABLE OF SEEING WHAT IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.  
CG: THERE IS NOTHING ABOUT TRUTH AND FACTS THAT CAN EVER GET TIRED. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN WHERE ACTING LIKE THE OPPOSITE IS TRUE IS COOL?  
CG: OH WAIT, YOU LIVE IN TEXAS.  
GG: youre actually real funny dude  
GG: and smart  
GG: and youre strong   
GG: man  
GG: and  
GG: youre caring  
GG: what the fuck are we doing  
CG: ROSE.  
GG: oh fuck no  
GG: anyway ill be off for a couple of weeks dont miss me  
CG: YOU CAN’T JUST RUN AWAY FROM OUR FEELINGS.  
GG: trains leaving in five minutes   
CG: THE COWARD’S WAY OUT.  
GG: go watch titanic and eat something because you cant survive without food kark   
CG: I’VE ALREADY SEEN TITANIC WAY TOO OFTEN. I’M NOT IN THE MOOD TO WATCH AGAIN. IT’S THREE HOURS LONG.   
GG: yeah hey by the way ive seen you have a lot of impassioned discussions about that film online on forums or something and you should really contemplate just mercifully forgiving everybody youve talked to cause that films the subject of hot debates but everybodys opinion is totally valid and legal and you might change what you think of people if you give them a chance right  
GG: bye karkat  
\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--  
CG: I'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND YOU.  
CG: HAVE FUN ON YOUR HOLIDAY. IF YOU’RE NOT JUST TRYING TO SUBTLY GET RID OF ME.


	7. Day 12

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--  
GG: hey whats up  
GG: literally what is glued to the ceiling  
GG: karkat  
GG: you there  
GG: remember me  
GG: its only been like three days  
GG: and i like to think im not that forgettable  
GG: hey yo  
GG: i cant believe im literally standing outside your window throwing pebbles and youre just snoring away like who cares  
CG: WHERE ARE YOU?   
CG: I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE STILL IN HOUSTON BECAUSE IT IS LITERALLY 3 AM HERE. I AM NOT JOKING ABOUT THAT NOR WOULD I EVER.  
CG: MAINLY BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT THAT.  
CG: YOU DON’T TALK TO ME FOR A WEEK AND NOW THIS.  
GG: ah but youre still up  
GG: i can always count on you bro  
GG: its late here too were all in this boat its actually getting kind of full on here i hope youll still love me if i throw you off the fucking boat  
CG: YOU HAVE A GOOD REASON FOR WRITING TO ME AT 3 AM ON A TUESDAY AFTER RADIO FUCKING SILENCE FOR A FUCKING YEAR.   
CG: SO JUST TELL ME WHAT’S WRONG.  
GG: why would smth be wrong dude  
CG: YOU SEEM UPSET.   
CG: IT PERMEATES EVERYTHING YOU WRITE.  
CG: I GENUINELY CAN’T IGNORE HOW MUCH YOU’RE SCREAMING IT AT ME, ACTUALLY.  
CG: I AM GOOD AT THAT, YOU KNOW. SEEING PEOPLE’S HIDDEN FEELINGS.  
GG: really  
GG: well shit  
GG: got ourselves a magician among us  
GG: wizard  
GG: telepath  
GG: fortuneteller   
GG: one of those  
CG: WELL?  
CG: I’VE BEEN RUNNING ON FOUR HOURS OF SLEEP THIS WHOLE DAY. MY BODY’S A TRAFFIC COLLISION.  
CG: JUST TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS UP.  
GG: you know how it is  
GG: something tears you from sleeps sweet embrace and boom youre awake forever  
GG: especially if the whole city is dead quiet isnt houston supposed to be a big fucking city maybe everybodys straight up dead and im five hours away from the zombie apocalypse   
GG: but i wouldnt know  
GG: literally the curtain blew in the wind and i woke up  
GG: im a ninja okay  
GG: when i was younger i turned into an ace at snapping awake real fucking quick if something dared to even imply the tango in my room  
GG: a ninja  
CG: OH.  
CG: YOU DON’T WANT PITY, DO YOU?  
GG: yeah no   
GG: but were bros and we havent talked in an eternity lets shoot the shit like cool dudes  
GG: just talk to me i dont even care could be bout that time you tried to make pancakes and then burned down the entire block  
GG: i just figured youre the only one who would maybe still be up  
GG: cause your house is burned down  
GG: and you get it  
GG: like  
GG: you know  
GG: anyway you have the air of somebody who never sleeps  
CG: CONTRARY TO WHAT SOME PEOPLE MAY BELIEVE, I *DO* SLEEP, OKAY?   
CG: I WAS JUST ENGROSSED IN CLASSIC LITERATURE. THE KIND OF LITERATURE ONE DOES NOT PAUSE TO ENGAGE IN SOMETHING AS TRIVIAL AS SLEEP.  
GG: not a vampire then? disappointing  
CG: NO. BUT IF IT CHEERS YOU THE FUCK UP: I WAS READING VAMPIRE FICTION.  
GG: please say twilight please say twilight please say twilight please say twilight  
CG: NOT TWILIGHT, YOU HEATHEN.  
CG: DO NOT FUCKING GET ME STARTED ON TWILIGHT!  
CG: YOU’VE PROBABLY NEVER READ IT AND SIMPLY MAKE FUN OF IT BECAUSE EVERY OTHER PRETENTIOUS DOUCHEHOLE WITHOUT A HOBBY ON THE INTERNET USED TO, BUT I HAVE IN FACT MADE THE GRAVE MISTAKE OF READING IT.  
CG: AND THE TRUTH IS:  
CG: IT IS A *MASTERPIECE*, PLAIN AND SIMPLE. UP UNTIL THE LAST BOOK. THEN IT TURNS INTO A NIGHTMARE.  
GG: this is a way more nuanced takedown of twilight than i expected to see today or ever  
CG: CAN SOMEBODY TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK THAT FUCKING BABY IS DOING IN THAT FUCKING BOOK?  
CG: AND THEN EVERYBODY’S LIKE  
CG: “ISN’T IT FUNNY THAT JACOB WANTS TO FUCK MY CHILD?? HEARTWARMING.”  
CG: I DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW SOMEBODY WHO WAS ABLE TO WRITE THE FIRST THREE BOOKS COULD THEN JUST COMPLETELY LOSE ALL OF HER ABILITIES AS A WRITER.  
GG: yeah man no idea what that means but youre probs right what a fraud  
GG: so what were you reading instead  
CG: THE NOVELLA “CARMILLA”. DO YOU KNOW IT?  
GG: not really but i know that story gave my sis her first sexual experience so good book  
CG: WHAT ON EARTH.  
GG: well i dont know that but with the way she went all gung ho obsessive over it back when we were little toddlers at 14 what else can i think  
GG: so what happens   
GG: some erotic throatsucking  
GG: pulsating veins everywhere  
GG: maybe   
GG: dare i say it  
GG: even tentacle dicks?  
CG: THERE ARE NO EROTIC PARTS.  
CG: WELL,  
CG: IT CAN BE READ AS EROTIC. IT’S VERY *GOTHIC*, YOU KNOW.  
CG: IT PROBABLY IS MEANT TO BE READ AS EROTIC.  
CG: BUT NOBODY HAS EXPLICIT SEX.  
GG: groan why bother   
GG: is it at least real tantalizing  
GG: maybe theres even an ankle every now and then and everybody loses their shit  
GG: oh my god  
GG: leg  
CG: THERE IS SOME BREAST BITING.  
GG: hoo thats not vanilla  
CG: STILL. YOUR SISTER WAS WRONG.  
CG: I WILL ADMIT, IT IS WELL WRITTEN, AND FINE, IT’S CAPTIVATING, BUT JESUS ON A FUCKING TOAST, IT’S SO EIGHTEEN HUNDREDS.  
CG: WHO COULD STAND THAT SHIT? THEY REALLY WERE DUMB AS BREAD BACK THEN.  
CG: WE ARE SO MUCH SMARTER NOW. YOU THINK THE ENTIRE WORLD IS POPULATED BY FOOLS AND THEN YOU LEARN ABOUT THE PAST AND YOU REALIZE YOU HAVE BEEN THE FOOL.  
CG: SURE, WE HAVE SHREK MEMES NOW OR WHATEVER OTHER BULLSHIT HAS CRAWLED ITS WAY OUT OF HELL TO US, BUT AT LEAST WE, AS A SOCIETY, ARE OVER PORTRAYING EVERYBODY WHO’S NOT HETERO AS PREDATORY ANTAGONISTS.  
CG: WHO THE FUCK EVER THOUGHT THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA?  
GG: oh man are you literally five seconds away from starting a sit in somewhere  
CG: WHAT DOES THAT FUCKING MEAN?  
GG: this just got real political   
GG: just dont come after my boonies dude  
GG: or should i say karkat marx  
CG: THERE IS NOTHING POLITICAL ABOUT POINTING OUT THAT PEOPLE BACK IN 1872 WERE SO FAR UP THEIR ASSES THEY COULD STIMULATE THEIR OWN PROSTATES.  
CG: I ASSUME THEY REFRAINED FROM DOING SO BECAUSE IF THEY HAD, THEY MIGHT HAVE BEEN MORE RELAXED.  
CG: SO WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??  
GG: those goddamn straight people and their hijinks huh  
CG: FUCK MY LIFE.   
CG: DO YOU, BY ANY CHANCE, BELIEVE THAT ANY MENTION OF SEXUALITY IS AUTOMATICALLY POLITICAL?  
GG: oh man youre really out there with the sjw blogs arent you  
GG: i dont think i can take a conversation about triggers right now  
GG: in fact thats my trigger  
CG: I TAKE EVERYTHING BACK. I’M BACK TO BEING FIVE SECONDS AWAY FROM BLOCKING YOU.  
CG: NOT ONLY WILL I BLOCK YOU, I’LL MOVE AND CHANGE MY NAME. I DO NOT WANT TO BE FUCKING CONTACTED BY YOU EVER AGAIN.  
CG: I WILL CALL THE FBI AND TELL THEM YOU THREATENED TO KILL ME, JUST SO I CAN GET A NEW IDENTITY.  
CG: I WILL HAVE TO MOVE TO FUCKING BUMFUCK OHIO AND BECOME A CATTLE FARMER, BUT IT’LL BE BETTER THAN HAVING THIS CONVERSATION.  
GG: oh wait youre not gay are you  
GG: because that would be one hell of a plot twist i dont think we could take that  
CG: I’M *BISEXUAL*. THE ONLY SENSIBLE SEXUALITY.  
CG: AND MORE IMPORTANTLY,  
CG: I’M OVER YOUR FUCKING SHIT.  
CG: THIS WORLD TRULY IS CURSED.  
GG: huh  
GG: but thats okay, okay  
GG: i accept you  
GG: and all that  
GG: youre beautiful being you and what not  
GG: youre fabulous and sparkling   
CG: I WAS LITERALLY NOT ASKING YOU FOR ACCEPTANCE.   
CG: YOU’RE THE ONE WHO BROUGHT IT UP, IMPLYING THAT THERE WAS A POSSIBILITY THAT I WOULDN’T GET ANY FROM YOU. SO *YOU’RE* THE ONE WHO’S SAYING YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE, NOT ME.  
CG: DID YOU FUCKING MISS THE PART WHERE I CAME OUT AS TRANS OR HAVE YOU SIMPLY TEMPORARILY LOST YOUR DAMNED MIND?   
CG: OR DO YOU HAVE ANOTHER GOOD REASON FOR BEING SURPRISED THAT I’M NOT SOME BLIND HOOLIGAN WHO CAN’T TELL HIS LEFT TIT FROM HIS RIGHT, LET ALONE TELL MORALLY WRONG FROM MORALLY RIGHT?  
CG: FUCKING SPEAK.  
GG: no thats  
GG: hey man its 3 am this isnt the kinda conversation i had penciled in   
CG: 4 AM.  
CG: THAT’S A WEAK EXCUSE NONETHELESS.  
GG: put me on the record as having no idea what you want to hear me say  
CG: FUCK YOU.  
CG: YOU’RE A HOPELESS CASE, AREN’T YOU?  
CG: FINE.  
CG: LET’S JUST FUCKING CHANGE THE SUBJECT. BECAUSE WE’RE NEVER GETTING THIS CONVO BACK ON TRACK. WE’RE STRANDED ON THE PACIFIC AND THE TRACKS ARE SOMEWHERE IN FRANCE.  
CG: WE WANTED TO GO TO PARIS, BUT WE GOT LOST ON THE WAY AND NOW THERE’S NOTHING TO DO BUT EAT OUR OWN SHIT OUT OF BOREDOM.  
CG: I SEE WE’RE BACK TO BOAT METAPHORS. BUT THIS TIME, I’M THE ONE WHO PUSHES *YOU* OFF. THERE’S ENOUGH SPACE, BUT YOU’RE STILL GETTING PUSHED THE FUCK OFF THAT FUCKING BOAT.  
CG: CONSIDER THE SUBJECT CHANGED.  
GG: oui oui  
GG: were doing it man  
CG: THAT REMINDS ME.  
CG: LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT A WEBCOMIC I’VE STARTED READING.  
CG: REGRETTABLY.  
CG: IF I COULD TURN BACK THE TIME, I WOULDN’T STOP CRIMES OR TAKE DOWN DICTATORS. I WOULDN’T EVEN TELL MYSELF THE LOTTO NUMBERS. I WOULD JUST STOP MYSELF FROM READING THAT WEBCOMIC.  
CG: INDEBTED TO MYSELF FOREVER.  
CG: IT’S CALLED “SWEET BRO AND HELLA JEFF” AND IT IS A FUCKING ABOMINATION.  
CG: YOU WILL LOVE IT.  
GG: oh wow   
CG: IT REMINDS ME OF YOU. AND YES, THAT WAS AN INSULT.  
CG: THE WORD WEBCOMIC IS A STRETCH ALREADY. THAT IMPLIES THAT THERE IS A COHERENT NARRATIVE OR AT LEAST AN INTENTION TO CREATE SOMETHING GOOD.  
GG: huh  
CG: THE AUTHOR IS JUST TROLLING. HE HONESTLY THINKS THAT’S A WAY OF LIVING. JUST MAKING A WEBCOMIC TO TROLL PEOPLE. THAT’S HOW HE SPENDS HIS TIME.  
CG: HIS NAME IS DAVE.  
GG: oh youre   
GG: deep in the fandom arent you  
GG: to know something like that  
CG: I’M IN THE HATEDOM.  
GG: wow  
CG: WORSE STILL, A LOT OF PEOPLE DON’T SEEM TO BE MENTALLY GROWN UP ENOUGH TO REALIZE THAT IT’S BARELY A BADLY DESIGNED SOCIAL EXPERIMENT.  
CG: YOU SHOULD TAKE A LOOK.  
CG: http://www.mspaintadventures.com/sweetbroandhellajeff/   
CG: THAT ONE’S SURE TO BRIGHTEN UP YOUR FUCKING DAY.  
CG: BY WHICH I MEAN NIGHT. BECAUSE NEITHER OF US ARE CAPABLE OF SLEEPING WHEN NORMAL PEOPLE ARE SLEEPING.  
GG: wow ill go read that now  
GG: do you often go around recommending that comic to people  
CG: ONLY THE ONES WHO WOULD ENJOY IT. THANK GOD I DON’T KNOW A LOT OF THOSE PEOPLE.  
CG: ONLY YOU. I SEEM TO BE SIMULTANEOUSLY BLESSED AND CURSED.  
GG: yeah but this is the best thing thats ever happened to me  
CG: THE FLOOR JUST DECIDED TO QUIT THIS JOB AND PEACE THE FUCK OUT BECAUSE I GENUINELY JUST FELL WHEN I TRIED TO STAND UP.  
CG: I NEED TO FUCKING SLEEP.  
CG: BUT HAVE FUN WASTING TIME READING ABOUT DOG DICKS AND SHITTY JPEG ZOOMS ON BADLY DRAWN MUSCULAR MEN OR WHATEVER OTHER ABOMINATIONS ARE IN THAT COMIC.  
CG: IT’S QUITE HOMOEROTIC, HONESTLY.  
GG: is it  
CG: GOOD NIGHT, ROSE.  
GG: ah fuck  
GG: good night  
\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling gardenGnostic [GG] \--


	8. Day 13

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--  
GG: okay so sbahj right  
GG: im a big fan now ive devoured the whole thing i made a fanblog on tumblr   
GG: big question nobody can get off their minds now is  
GG: homoerotic how  
GG: i expect an essay on my desk by next friday 3k words mla formatted itll be half of your grade  
GG: you can do apa if you really want   
CG: IT’S PREPOSTEROUSLY OBVIOUS.  
CG: THE HOMOEROTICISM IS SCREAMING AT ME. ITS HEART IS BREAKING BECAUSE NOBODY’S HEARING IT.   
CG: I TRIED TO IGNORE IT, I REALLY DID. I WANTED TO MIND MY OWN BUSINESS.  
CG: BUT DAVE’S UNQUENCHABLE LUST FOR MEN JUMPED OUT OF MY PC AND PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE.  
GG: hey hey hey now  
GG: lets not backflip to conclusions  
GG: where are those parts youre talking bout  
CG: SIGH.  
CG: LET’S START FROM THE BEGINNING AND GO THROUGH EVERY QUESTIONABLE INSTANCE IN THE ENTIRE COMIC.  
CG: THERE ARE A LOT.  
GG: name ONE  
CG: FOR THE VISUALLY IMPAIRED:  
CG: http://www.mspaintadventures.com/sweetbroandhellajeff/?cid=002.jpg   
CG: QUESTIONABLE INSTANCE NUMBER 1. CLOSE UP ON SWEET BRO’S GENITALIA.  
GG: no hey theres nothing there no genitalia whatsoever in sight this is barbie levels of clean this is a kids comic  
GG: and thats hella jeff you fake fan  
CG: CLOSE UP ON A NAKED MAN’S LOWER HALF THEN.  
GG: but theyre talking about boinking sweet bros mom which is also being depicted on screen theres literally straight bangobang on the page  
CG: THAT’S WHY IT’S HOMOEROTIC.  
CG: NOT EXPLICIT. HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING FROM BBC’S SHERLOCK?  
CG: LET ME JUMP TO THE MOST INCRIMINATING PART.   
CG: http://www.mspaintadventures.com/sweetbroandhellajeff/?cid=036.jpg  
CG: LET ME QUOTE.  
CG: “WHO GIVES A FUCK ABOUT THAT ELEPHANT AND ITS *HUGE BUTT* AND ITS *GREY MUTANT PENIS*.”  
CG: NO QUESTION MARK.   
CG: IN FACT, THERE ARE SEVERAL TYPOGRAPHICAL ERRORS IN THIS COMIC. SORRY FOR RUINING THE EXPERIENCE BY POINTING THAT OUT. I KNOW THAT’S HARSH.  
CG: MY THEORY IS FURTHER CEMENTED BY THE FACT THAT THIS THRILLING INSTALLMENT IS TITLED   
CG: “um, last I checked, the zoo didn't allow IDIDOT GAYS inside”  
CG: [SIC]  
GG: you werent joking were you you were really not clowning around  
GG: you really can give me a 3k words essay  
CG: I WON’T HESITATE TO DO SO EITHER.   
CG: I WOULD MUCH RATHER TALK ABOUT “THE NOTEBOOK”, BUT YOU CAN’T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT, CAN YOU? OR EVER.   
CG: THE BOOK, NOT THE MOVIE. I HAVE CLASS, OKAY? THE MOVIE IS JUST A WATERED DOWN VERSION OF THE IMAGES ONLY NICHOLAS SPARKS CAN CREATE IN OUR MINDS WITH HIS WRITING.  
GG: thats all great and all but  
GG: how did you know youre bi  
CG: OH, I SEE. A SUBJECT CHANGE. DESPITE THE FACT THAT I WASN’T EVEN HALFWAY DONE YET.  
CG: HOW DID YOU KNOW YOU’RE STRAIGHT?  
GG: yeah how did i  
CG: OH, ARE YOU QUESTIONING?  
CG: HOLD UP, I HAVE A WHOLE SPEECH FOR THIS.  
CG: GIVE ME TWO MINUTES.  
GG: everything but that  
GG: this isnt just getting out of hand its getting out of foot and all other body parts too  
GG: i dont need a speech or anything  
GG: im not like   
GG: aggressively bi with the blue hair and everything  
GG: i wont march in parades and throw glitter  
GG: its all chilled out im literally maximum yogaed  
CG: WHY NOT? I HAVE GONE TO PARADES.   
CG: AND I DON’T USUALLY SET FOOT OUTSIDE OF THIS WRETCHED HIVE. SO WHY WOULD YOU BE TOO AFRAID TO SHOW UP?  
GG: what do you mean why not  
GG: havent i proven im literally cooler than strawberry ice cream  
CG: ROSE.  
GG: shit  
CG: GO PICK UP A FUCKING BOOK ON YOUR FUCKING HISTORY AND STOP READING CONSPIRACY WEBSITES. THERE IS NOTHING “CRINGY” OR WHATEVER OTHER WORD THESE INFESTED CLOACAE HAVE PULLED OUT OF THEIR SHITCRUSTED ASSHOLES ABOUT PARADES.   
CG: WE HAVE FOUGHT HARD TO GET THE RIGHT TO EVEN MARCH ON THE STREET.  
CG: YOU FUCKING BROKEN FLOWER POT.  
CG: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?  
CG: ARE YOU HONESTLY WEAK ENOUGH TO LISTEN TO SOME SIXTH TOE SOMEWHERE IN ASSFUCK NOWHERE WHO’S NEVER ENCOUNTERED A REAL PROBLEM IN HIS LIFE AND HAS NO FRIENDS SO HE HAS TO SPEND HIS TIME BASHING PEOPLE ON THE INTERWEBS?   
GG: okay okay i get it  
CG: YOU GET YOUR FUCKING NONEXISTENT ASS TO A LESBIAN CLUB RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.  
GG: a lesbian club  
GG: oh i would never cheat on you  
CG: ARE WE  
CG: DATING?  
GG: oh well  
CG: I’M SO FUCKING SORRY. I DIDN’T KNOW.  
CG: YOU’RE REALLY BAD AT THIS, YOU KNOW?   
CG: IT’S ALMOST LIKE YOU DON’T HAVE A LOT OF SOCIAL CONTACT. THAT’S HOW BAD YOU ARE AT THIS.  
CG: I CAN’T BELIEVE I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.  
GG: ha yeah  
GG: cant believe you have a gf either  
GG: maybe were moving too fast anyway no?  
CG: FUCKING HELL.  
CG: ARE YOU BRAINFUCKED OR IS IT JUST THAT YOU BELIEVE MY IQ TO BE BELOW 10?   
CG: JUST TELL ME IF I MISINTERPRET SOMETHING. ARE WE SIX FUCKING YEARS OLD?  
CG: SO WE’RE NOT DATING.  
CG: I WON’T OVERREACT. SEE.  
CG: I’M NOT OVERREACTING.  
CG: I AM CALM.  
CG: THIS IS ME REACTING IN A CALM WAY.  
GG: yeah sorry  
GG: i was trying to be nice  
GG: god i was really trying so hard to be nice and not break your fucking heart  
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS.   
CG: AND BY “THIS” I MEAN EVERY SINGLE ONE OF OUR INTERACTIONS.  
CG: THERE’S OBVIOUSLY ROMANTIC TENSION, BUT IT CAN’T GO ANYWHERE LIKE THIS. IT IS STUCK PITIFULLY WITHERING AWAY LIKE THIS.  
CG: WE SHOULD MEET IN REAL LIFE.   
CG: I HAVE SO SEE YOUR FUCKING FACE. WHAT IF YOU HAVE GOTTEN A REALLY INCONVENIENTLY PLACED PIMPLE YOU CAN’T GET RID OF? OTHER THAN YOUR FACE, OF COURSE.   
CG: WE’VE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR LONG ENOUGH.  
CG: ARE YOU STILL IN HOUSTON?  
GG: hey here i am in the middle of a sexuality crisis and you want me to go on dates  
CG: AND HERE I WAS TRYING TO BE NICE AND AVOID THIS TOPIC THAT YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY NOT COMFORTABLE WITH, BUT HEY, WHATEVER YOU SAY.  
CG: IN FUCKING FACT, THIS IS WHAT I’M *GOOD* AT. I AM NOT MERELY READY BUT *WILLING* TO HAVE A NICE LONG CONVERSATION ABOUT SEXUALITY CRISES RIGHT NOW.  
CG: LAY IT ALL ON THE PLATTER SO WE CAN DEVOUR IT.  
CG: WHAT MADE YOU DOUBT YOUR SEXUALITY?   
GG: oh well  
GG: jesus i cant believe were talking about this  
GG: a year back i would have been too cool for this lets admit it fucking embarrassing conversation  
GG: i mean i still am that much is obvious but  
GG: yeah please dont yell at me again  
GG: you know im like super woke now  
GG: watch me burn down a police station  
GG: no i was joking  
GG: the fbis watching me now your fault  
CG: I DON’T KNOW IF YOU’VE EVER NOTICED THIS OR IF IT HAS EVER BEEN POINTED OUT TO YOU, BUT YOU HAVE A TENDENCY TO RAMBLE ON ABOUT TO THE ACTUAL SUBJECT UNRELATED ISSUES SOMETIMES.  
CG: I KNOW, SHOCKING NEWS.  
CG: STILL, AS THRILLING AS THE TOPIC IS, I DON’T NEED TO BE EDUCATED ABOUT PRIVACY AND THE FBI RIGHT NOW.  
CG: TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOUR INTERNALIZED ISSUES.  
GG: i dont have internalized issues bro  
GG: im just saying its weird  
GG: like imagine  
GG: hows dave  
GG: hes still dope as always  
GG: he has a boyfriend now  
GG: ah dope  
CG: DAVE?  
GG: ah shit thats definitely not me  
GG: oh fuck  
GG: im so sorry karkat  
GG: i didnt mean for this to happen  
GG: by which i mean not just you finding out that im catfishing you but also the whole  
GG: catfishing business itself  
GG: fuck  
GG: are you there  
GG: im sorry  
CG: YOU’RE  
CG: A CATFISH?  
GG: no  
GG: yes  
GG: i mean i was but ive been so fucking real with you im not even this real with my friends  
GG: i wanted to troll you but it all decided to do a nice acrobatic pirouette off the handle   
GG: i thought it would be funny  
GG: i thought even both of us would be clutching our stomachs in laughter in the end because it was supposed to run a day or two or at most three  
GG: shit karkat  
GG: im such a shitty idiot  
GG: it wasnt supposed to run the fuck on for days and days and metamorph into us braiding each others hair and whispering our darkest secrets how was i supposed to anticipate this crazyfest  
GG: i thought id never ever get a glimpse at your real life face ever so i told you whatever stupid bullshit decided to pop into my head that i couldnt load on anybody else  
GG: it was mutually helpful  
GG: right  
GG: at first i wanted to help you and then i   
GG: kind of needed you to help me too  
GG: i know i should have told you okay  
GG: can you please say something just utter one tiny word  
GG: it was really stupid of me  
GG: probably my subconscious was screaming at me youre gay you stupid fuck the whole time and then this came off it   
GG: jesus i sound like rose say something  
CG: WHO IS ROSE THEN? WHO ARE YOU?  
CG: WHO ARE YOU?  
GG: oh thank god youre still here  
GG: rose is my sister  
GG: im kinda actually the author of sbahj   
GG: im dave  
GG: hi  
GG: dave strider  
GG: also known as turntechGodhead  
GG: i like spinning out unbelievably sick jams with my turntables  
GG: rave about bands no ones ever heard of but me  
GG: collect weird dead things  
GG: im an amateur photographer   
GG: i have a number of ironic blogs and profiles up in that dark web  
GG: i made a horrible mistake when i decided to catfish you using my friend jades profile  
GG: i genuinely non ironically like you now  
\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] blocked gardenGnostic [GG] \--  
\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] unblocked gardenGnostic [GG] \--  
CG: YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE.   
CG: I WILL DANCE ON YOUR GRAVE.  
GG: oh thank fuck  
CG: I WILL SLIT YOUR STOMACH OPEN AND GRILL YOUR EYES OVER A BONFIRE WHILE SINGING HALLELUJAH.   
CG: IT WILL BE A FEAST OF BLOOD AND PAIN. EVERY ANIMAL IN PROXIMITY WILL HIDE. AS THEY SHOULD BECAUSE MY RAGE KNOWS NO BOUNDS.  
CG: GOD WILL GAZE UPON IT AND IMMEDIATELY FUCKING SHOOT HIMSELF.  
CG: GOD ISN’T DEAD YET, BUT HE WILL BE WHEN I’M DONE WITH YOU.  
CG: THERE WILL BE NO MERCY TO BE FOUND, NOT IN MY HEART AND NOT ANYWHERE ELSE EITHER. NO PLACE TO SEEK REFUGE.  
CG: NOT ONLY WILL YOU FIND A GRUESOME END, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY WILL TOO, ASSUMING YOU HAVE FRIENDS, WHICH I HAVE NOTICED YOU DON’T SEEM TO.  
CG: I HAVE ALREADY DECIDED ON A PLACE TO BURY YOU.  
CG: IN THE SEWER BENEATH MY HOUSE.  
CG: THAT’S WHERE I WILL BURY EVERYTHING I CAN CHOP OFF WITHOUT KILLING YOU BECAUSE YOU DO NOT GET TO GO QUICKLY.  
GG: i like you okay  
CG: TELL THAT TO JUSTITIA WHEN SHE COMES TO TAKE YOU FOR YOUR CRIMES.  
GG: i like our conversations  
CG: NOBODY WILL BE ABLE TO RECOGNIZE YOUR CORPSE.  
GG: i used to think youre an asshole but youre really not  
CG: OH, FUCKING TRUST ME, YOU WILL CHANGE YOUR THOUGHTS ON THAT WHEN I PULL OUT YOUR FINGERNAILS ONE BY ONE.  
GG: no youre not even close to an asshole  
CG: I AM.  
GG: nope youre just somebody who deserves more cuddles than hes getting  
CG: I REMEMBER NOW.   
CG: I YELLED AT YOU OVER TITANIC. WHICH, BY THE WAY, IS A GREAT MOVIE. WE ARE ALL BLESSED TO HAVE IT. IT IS THE ONLY REASON WHY GOD HASN’T LEFT US YET.  
CG: I WAS SHITFUCKS FRUSTRATED THAT DAY AND I WANTED TO MAKE SOMEBODY PAY. IT’S AS SIMPLE AS THAT. THERE’S NOTHING MORE TO IT.  
CG: THAT IS IT AND THERE’S NO WAY TO STOP THIS TRUTH FROM SHOWING ITS UGLY GRIMACE.  
CG: PAST KARKAT WAS AN ASSHOLE. PRESENT KARKAT STILL IS BECAUSE I HAVEN’T FUCKING CHANGED.  
CG: I REMEMBER IT ALL CLEARLY. YOU HAD TO PAY.  
CG: THAT WAS ALL MY MIND COULD SUPPLY ME WITH. FIND SOMEONE YOU CAN FORCE TO PAY FOR HIS CRIMES.  
CG: HOW DARE THIS GUY MAKE FUN OF THE ONLY THING THAT CAN GIVE ME RELIEF? NOBODY EVER LETS ME HAVE ANYTHING. I WILL FOREVER BE STUCK NOT GETTING ANYTHING. AND IT’S THIS SINGULAR GUY’S FAULT.  
CG: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT WAS YOU.  
CG: I WANTED TO MAKE YOU CRY. I WAS CRYING.  
CG: UNTIL YOU DISTRACTED ME.  
GG: i felt like shit too okay  
GG: and then you made me feel worse but thats not an excuse for what i did  
GG: and youre still not an asshole  
GG: i think at the end of the day were both a little broken and we dont want to cut ourselves on our sharp edges so we turn them outwards and let others cut themselves  
GG: shit im getting all poetic now this isnt good  
GG: the truth is  
GG: these past weeks ive seen everything ive felt mirrored in your words because you cant hide shit for your life  
GG: and its actually made me realize a lot of shit about myself  
GG: i kind of got addicted to talking to the only guy who can put my soul into capslocked words on a computer screen without even knowing me  
GG: too much?  
GG: i mean youre so much more than that too of course youre actually a better dude than ill ever be  
GG: never mind weve crossed the line of too much long ago weve left it behind us even while it was begging us to stay and think of the kids  
GG: my point is  
GG: im lucky to have met you  
GG: what i said about you being smart and caring and strong and everything still applies i wasnt lying youre a goddamn treasure  
GG: and im sorry  
GG: ill do better if youll let me  
GG: please dont block me on here too?  
CG: ARE YOU IN HOUSTON?  
GG: yeah   
CG: I AM TOO.   
GG: are you about to ask me what i think youre about to ask me  
CG: AS I SAID.  
CG: WE SHOULD MEET.  
GG: oh my god  
GG: is this like a date date though  
GG: because this is a way better outcome than ever anticipated  
CG: A *DATE* DATE, YOU FUCKING MORON.   
CG: YOU DAMNED FOOL.   
CG: YOU PEST OF MY EXISTENCE.   
CG: YOU BLAIN IN MY NASAL CAVITY.   
GG: you cant see but ive already jumped up and am buying flowers and a limousine  
CG: PLEASE, YOU DON’T HAVE MONEY.  
GG: fair enough  
GG: you mean a real actual date in real life  
CG: NO, DAVE, WITH AVATARS IN VR.  
CG: OF COURSE.   
GG: dope  
GG: awesome dude  
GG: im looking forward to it  
GG: are you sure about that  
CG: I WANT TO TALK TO YOU IN REAL LIFE.  
CG: I HAVEN’T FORGIVEN YOU YET, BUT  
CG: FUCK.  
CG: WE HAVE POTENTIAL.  
CG: THAT IS CLEAR AS SPRING FUCKING WATER.  
CG: I WON’T GIVE UP ON YOU THAT EASILY THE SAME WAY YOU WON’T GIVE UP ON ME THAT EASILY.  
GG: oh my god we do  
GG: actually you know what  
GG: unblock turntechgodhead   
GG: and lets talk like real people who arent idiots  
CG: FINE.  
CG: JUST FOR THE RECORD, *YOU’RE* THE ONE WHO’S AN IDIOT.  
CG: YOU USED A PLURAL HERE. YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE.  
GG: absolutely  
GG: let the record show that dave strider is an idiot  
GG: everything on record so far shows that but just write it down again  
GG: oh my god you really wanna meet though?  
CG: I TOLD YOU.  
GG: nice  
GG: dope  
GG: cool  
CG: WE GET IT.  
GG: amazing  
CG: I WILL UNBLOCK YOU NOW.  
GG: incredible  
\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling gardenGnostic [GG] \--

 

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] unblocked turntechGodhead [TG] \--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we did it, kids  
> this fucking story has stolen so much of my fucking sleep, I will sue  
> thank you so much for the trust! and thank you for 100 kudos!


End file.
